Drowning

I feel like I'm drowning.

I know I'm a drama queen, but I don't see any point in lying about how I feel on Nine to Phive. Especially when hardly anyone reads this blog since I've gotten so lax about updating it. No one will be fooled, if you know what I mean.

A Muse performance at ELEV8 conference this year. I thought it was sufficiently depressing.

Maybe it's because I now have an IC flareup for two weeks out of the month. Every month.

Maybe it's because I'm scared to death that I won't be able to keep a full-time job, let alone a job in the highly impractical field that I love.

Maybe it's because I've had to take a 19-credit load this semester just to graduate on time (barely). Oh, and those extra credits? They cost me $800 of over-enrollment fees.

Maybe it's because two of Muse's biggest performances of the semester are over and I don't feel relieved. No less busy. No less stressed. No less out of breath.

Maybe it's because, after two and a half years of marriage, I feel like I should have worked out so many of the selfish struggles that my newlywed friends seem to have no problem with after just a few months.

Maybe it's because I feel guilty turning to my family for support when they're struggling just as much as me right now.

Maybe it's because I love God, love my church, and love my brothers and sisters in Christ, but can't find the time or energy to invest in my personal spiritual life.

Maybe it's because I want more than anything to write freely--stories, poetry, journals, grocery lists, bucket lists, this blog--and I can't even find time to do my required writing for class.

Maybe this is my life now.

Struggling.
Fighting.
Keeping my head above water. 

 Drowning.

I thought graduating this spring would feel like a weight being lifted, but as I approach commencement with all of this and more baggage (some of which won't disappear the moment I walk across that stage), I feel as though it's just a doorway into different and heavier weights pressing down on me.

Pressing down on my lungs . . .  
On my heart . . . 
On my spirit . . .  
I'm broken . . .

Drowning . . .

Oh, and a drama queen. There's that, too.

American Beauty's Paper Bag Scene (Re-Blog)

It's been a while since I've roamed around the blogosphere visiting the sites of the brilliant people I tend to think of as internet "friends." 

Today I popped in on my friend Optimistic Existentialist at his blog, Musings of an Unapologetic Dreamer, where he had recently posted about one of his favorite movie scenes of all time. Say, film is on of my favorite things of all time regardless of which movie it is!

I checked it out, and while I have never seen American Beauty, I had to admit that the scene in question at least sounded like one of the most powerful statements about film that I could imagine . . . told through the medium of film. Doesn't that make it that much more powerful?

Here's what Optimistic Existentialist says about the onscreen moment.

I recently had a conversation with a friend in which our favorite all-time movie scenes were brought up. When my friend asked me about my all-time favorite movie scene, the answer came easily - the floating plastic bag scene in American Beauty.

American Beauty is by far my all-time favorite movie; and this scene is a perfect example of why. To set the scene up, Ricky (a troubled but fascinatingly deep individual) wants to show Jane (The girl he is falling in love with) the most beautiful thing he’s ever filmed. 

One random autumn day, he saw a plastic bag floating in the wind and began filming. He describes it as follows:

Click here to read the rest of the post at Musings of an Unapologetic Dreamer

What I Wore: This Is Snow Awkward

Okay, so the reason that I didn't list where I bought all of my outfit elements in the caption like we bloggers are supposed to do is not because its been months since I have posted a What I Wore and I forgot the protocol.

It's actually because I was pretty embarrassed about all of the awkwardness of this outfit.

• So everything on my body in this pic was purchased at either Target or Walmart. Budgetista at her finest up in here.
• Except my coat which is from Spain. I guess that's kind of cool.
• My husband and both of my parents all said independently of each other that this beanie makes me look like a homeless person.
• My friend Ben said, "Nice orphan hat," when he saw me at church. I guess orphan is better than homeless person . . .
• Those white things around mt ankles are huge insulated hunting socks. It's 13 degrees here.
• I'm actually wearing huge earrings that go perfectly with my dress, but they're kind of invisible in all of ma hurr.

If you live in my neck of the US, happy snow day! I hope it's an awkward and awesome one.

Awkward and Awesome 21st!

Guess who has two thumbs and is officially a grownup? 

This girl! The one in the yellow sweater!

A few friends and a great pub made for a wonderful celebration the night of Tuesday, the 22nd (my actual birthday). Because I know everyone is wondering, I enjoyed an Irish car bomb (Guinness with a shot of Bailey's) and some nice red wine. Exciting, right? 

Haha, I had a great time and wouldn't have done anything differently.


Awkward:

• Josh forgetting his keys on the way out of the apartment! It was freezing and we were stranded between the building and the car. 
• When we buzzed, our neighbor let us in without checking to see who we were. What if we were murderers??
• It took me forever to add the Bailey's shot to my car bomb because I like Guinness so much by itself and didn't want to ruin it.
• To everyone who has asked (including my boss, talk about awkward) I DID NOT GET SMASHED! I DO NOT GET SMASHED! I NEVER SHALL GET SMASHED! I like my brain cells and my reputation more than I like feeling "happy" for a bit thankyouverymuch.

Equally Awkward and Awesome:

• Neme is learning English! But his vocabulary is so small that he spent most of the night nibbling a piece of Spanish cheese and repeating, "Oh, my cheese, my Spain . . ." So funny!

Awesome:

• Being a wee bit of a heavyweight. I found out in Spain that I don't feel anything when I drink. :-) Nice to know that I won't be hopping on the table and using my glass as a mic if Shania Twain starts playing . . .
• The Old Toad (the pub we visited) only hires people who are actually from England! Now, that is authentic.
• Pub fries and gravy.
• European cheeseboard with cranberries and walnuts.
• Guinness <3
• A car bomb. It tastes like a chocolate milkshake!
• Yeah, so basically good food and drink . . .
• Our friend Kyle's date (the blonde on the left) is from the Ukraine. Exotic!

Awkward and Awesome Thursday: New Do and Doin' What's New

Christmas tradition of dressing up and heading to the Rochester Philharmonic Orchestra

Awkward:

• Joshy was gone on a business trip from Sunday morning until last night. I was all alone without a car and pretty gosh darn miserable :-(
• We didn't make it to the Rochester Philharmonic Christmas concert last night until the intermission. Boo. 
• Finding an internship for next semester. None of the places where I really wanted to work have responded to my query letters.
• Josh bought me a whole crate of clementines because he knows I love them, and by today they were completely devoured by mold!
• He also bought me two Christmas presents today and literally could not keep them a secret. He told me within hours of buying them, hahaha!
• The Thurston's childhood kitty cat is very sick. Prayer's appreciated! Mom is really upset.

Awesome:

• New look! Or should I say, old look back again! This was my hair circa 12th grade. Mid-length, dark brown, and bouncy. Josh is a big fan.
• Having hubby back! I came in to work today, and Stryker said, "Is Josh home? I thought so. You look super extra happy today." Well, I am!
• My honey made a lot of big sales while he was gone. Save up that moolah!
• A ragtime version of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" written for an orchestra and a xylophone soloist. That happened at the Christmas concert!
• Josh's parents are having their bathroom remodeled by a guy from Birmingham. The one in England.
• Making super-cool personalized Christmas presents for the family. It's a secret! But I'll tell later ;-)
• Off to spend Christmas with my side of the family in PA by enjoying a matinee of Les Miserables on Christmas Day.

Awkward and Awesome Thursday: Familia Feliz

Neme, Kristen, and Kaci (Kacita)

Yesterday I photographed the intimate wedding of two very dear friends surrounded by their family in a candlelit living room in the Finger Lakes--a wedding that I've known about since last weekend, lol.  I guess it's a long story.

Kristen studied abroad with Josh and I in Spain and met Nemesio while there. She already had a boyfriend at the time, and he was sure that he would never fall in love. He was wrong. After months of wooing the beautiful girl that had come into his life, Neme and Kristen became a couple--unfortunately just in time for Kristen to return to the United States.

In a move that surprised even those of us who knew him well, Neme made a trip to the US this fall on a tourist visa. While here, the two fell even more in love and decided that they wanted to be together forever. They couldn't let Neme's soon-to-expire visa keep them apart. Neme gave up everything that he knew and asked Kristen to marry him--which she did yesterday, the day that his visa expired :-)

How awesomely awkward can you get?

Awkward:

• US immigration laws. Not sure where I stand on those after having an experience with them that was so close to my heart.
• Trying to take artistic photos in the dark with a flash. It's a losing battle.
• Josh couldn't come because he was a) taking the Spanish lit final exam that Kristen missed to get married and b) studying for the GRE he has to take this Saturday.
• Driving an hour and a half to watch my friends get married instead of studying for my two hardest finals.
• Said finals. Two essay exams back-to-back. I think I have carpal tunnel.

Equally Awkward and Awesome:

• Kristen's wedding was officiated by her high school driver's ed teacher and interpreted by her high school Spanish teacher! So sweet and funny :-)

Awesome:

• Their wedding date is 12-12-12!
• Such a small and intimate wedding. It was absolutely beautiful.
• Finally seeing these two start a life together. I've been waiting for this for months :-)
• Ferrero rochet cheesecake for a wedding cake.
• Being done with final exams.
• Getting to see The Hobbit soon!
• The brand new Garcia family--Neme, Kristen, and little Kaci the yorkie-poo.

Making the Most of December

This isn't really a to-do list, because almost none of these things are necessary for any reason. They're just a bunch of things that I think will help Josh and I make the most of this Christmas season. It's sort of like a Christmas bucket list . . . but not really because many of the items reappear on the list every year despite the fact that they've been "crossed off" every year prior.

Okay, I don't know what it is . . . but it will be fun!



There are enough items both traditional and unique for you to choose one everyday, if you want. Whatever you do, be sure to make the most of your December.

1. Go ice skating.
2. Make eggnog or mulled cider.
3. Buy children’s gifts for Operation Angel Tree.
4. Drive around and look at Christmas lights.
5. Splurge on a professional performance of the Great Russian Nutcracker ballet.
6. Cuddle up in front of a fireplace.
7. If you haven’t yet, decorate a tree. If you already have, decorate someone else’s
8. Watch the movie White Christmas with a cup of white hot chocolate.
9. Chop wood for a family that relies on a wood stove.
10. Tired of Christmas music? Try traditional Celtic music.
11. Go caroling with friends.
12. Make chili for chilly carolers to come home to.
13. See how many film versions of A Christmas Carol you can watch in a day ;-)
14. String popcorn and cranberries.
15. Go to Wegmans and Sam’s Club on a weekend for holiday samples.
16. Learn to knit or crochet.
17. Send Christmas cards or letters updating family and friends on your year.
18. Get invited to a Christmas party. This could be tricky . . .
19. Make a snowman, snow angels, etc.
20. Go to midnight showings of The Hobbit (December 14) and Les Miserables (Christmas Day).
21. Go to a candlelit service.
22. Kiss someone under the mistletoe. Warn them first.
23. Shop a holiday craft bizarre.
24. Help young relatives make a wreath or ornament.
25. Help your family with Christmas dinner.
26. Take a super late walk in the snow on Christmas Eve and see if anything magical happens.
27. Make homemade soaps with personalized scents for gifts.
28. Read A Child’s Christmas in Wales.
29. Declare a snowball war.
30. Watch at least one terrible Christmas movie. Try Kiss Saves Christmas.
31. Go for a sleigh ride

Awkward and Awesome Thursday: For the Love of Film

Awkward:

• The incredibly creative and clever title I had picked out for the movie I'm shooting next summer apparently already belongs to a teeny-bopper B-movie starring the sister of one of the Backstreet Boys.
• Picmonkey. I don't miss Picnik quite so much :-) and it's free!
• Being at work from 8am to 11pm. Blech.
• The dessert I was promised at the Rochester Audio Visual Association dinner was a lie.
• It seems you have to be a business woman in order to be a successful filmmaker. Well, one down, one to go.

Awesome:

• Annual RAVA dinner with old and new friends. You all made me feel like the life of the party and a true member of the filmmaking community. Thank you!
• Nick Dibella, director of King's Faith. He is officially one of my filmmaking heroes.
• Thirty incoming students applied for Muse Creative Arts ministries at the activities fair on Tuesday! Check out the website for more info.
• My coworker Brandon is a student nurse. He walked in on an unresponsive patient and notified the response team who saved the guy's life. Dude.
• I just printed the first physical copy of my modeling portfolio. Looks gooooood!
• Stryker and I get to team up for a photo shoot!
• The sunrise today that was pure pink and blue cotton candy :-)

Equally Awkward and Awesome:

• This powerful mock fashion photo shoot about consumerism. Got my attention! How oddly beautiful, but how very sad . . .

Wishlist: I Adorn You

Tell me this is not the most adorably romantic dress you have ever seen. I dare you.

Once again, ModCloth takes the cake in the "Cutest Dresses in the History of Ever" cakewalk. They are the go-to place for the perfect LBD, LRD (little red dress), LWD (little white dress), and basically any and all LCD (little cute dresses) your little heart could possibly desire. Haha, that's kind of funny because LCD is an actual thing--has to do with one of those big screen TVs that Josh wants, I believe.

Better than Little Sexy Dresses, am I right? I feel like LSD is not a good thing to advertise. I'm sure ModCloth's selection will seem even more magical after some of that action . . .

Alright, enough drug jokes for the Christian girl's blog.

The point is, what are your thoughts on ModCloth? Do you like the romantic, indie feel of their pieces, or do you like something more polished? Their price range is a whole other story. Basically, my relationship with ModCloth consists of the following:

1. Drooling. 
2. Telling Josh that for our next milestone anniversary he can skip the jewelry and buy me a ModCloth frock instead. 
3. Resuming drooling.

And remember this one? Garden party dress? How romantic can you get?