Drowning

I feel like I'm drowning.

I know I'm a drama queen, but I don't see any point in lying about how I feel on Nine to Phive. Especially when hardly anyone reads this blog since I've gotten so lax about updating it. No one will be fooled, if you know what I mean.

A Muse performance at ELEV8 conference this year. I thought it was sufficiently depressing.

Maybe it's because I now have an IC flareup for two weeks out of the month. Every month.

Maybe it's because I'm scared to death that I won't be able to keep a full-time job, let alone a job in the highly impractical field that I love.

Maybe it's because I've had to take a 19-credit load this semester just to graduate on time (barely). Oh, and those extra credits? They cost me $800 of over-enrollment fees.

Maybe it's because two of Muse's biggest performances of the semester are over and I don't feel relieved. No less busy. No less stressed. No less out of breath.

Maybe it's because, after two and a half years of marriage, I feel like I should have worked out so many of the selfish struggles that my newlywed friends seem to have no problem with after just a few months.

Maybe it's because I feel guilty turning to my family for support when they're struggling just as much as me right now.

Maybe it's because I love God, love my church, and love my brothers and sisters in Christ, but can't find the time or energy to invest in my personal spiritual life.

Maybe it's because I want more than anything to write freely--stories, poetry, journals, grocery lists, bucket lists, this blog--and I can't even find time to do my required writing for class.

Maybe this is my life now.

Struggling.
Fighting.
Keeping my head above water. 

 Drowning.

I thought graduating this spring would feel like a weight being lifted, but as I approach commencement with all of this and more baggage (some of which won't disappear the moment I walk across that stage), I feel as though it's just a doorway into different and heavier weights pressing down on me.

Pressing down on my lungs . . .  
On my heart . . . 
On my spirit . . .  
I'm broken . . .

Drowning . . .

Oh, and a drama queen. There's that, too.

V-Day Brunch

Brunch with the sweetie at Charlie's Frog Pond

 

Sauteed banana sauce instead of syrup. Heaven.

Lox Benedict. Lox. And Eggs Benedict. Wow.

Peppermint tea. A great IC-flareup soother.

Awkward and Awesome Valentine

Awkward:

• The puffy-eyed lady above is coming up on two weeks with an IC flare-up. I'm honestly exhausted and pretty depressed, but nothing can make me smile like a goofball the way Josh can.
• Rethinking going back on the IC diet. Goodbye fruit and chocolate . . .
• Exam and a project due at the same time--on Valentine's Day. I'm not feeling very loved, lol.
• ALDIs now sells authentic Spanish cheese. We're stocking up and pigging out!
• Josh has a cold, and there is a tissue stuffed up his nose as I write this. Haha, can you tell I'm tired and can't think of much to say? :-)
• As much as I hate to admit it, Kourtney & Kim Take Miami is fascinating. I actually find myself relating *shudder* to Kourtney and Scott . . .

Awesome:

• My sweet, supportive hubby who waits on me while I'm sick and heats up my corn bag ten times an hour.
• We had a great dinner of Spanish-style potato salad and pork loin. I've missed this stuff!
• Class was cancelled for tomorrow, so winter break is officially on!
• Romantic brunch tomorrow <3 Hopefully I'll be feeling better so that we can have a real Valentine's Day date.
• The Thurstons are coming for a visit this Saturday. This is the first time they've visited our apartment!
• They're bringing our new dining room table with them :-D

Awkward and Awesome Thursday: New Do and Doin' What's New

Christmas tradition of dressing up and heading to the Rochester Philharmonic Orchestra

Awkward:

• Joshy was gone on a business trip from Sunday morning until last night. I was all alone without a car and pretty gosh darn miserable :-(
• We didn't make it to the Rochester Philharmonic Christmas concert last night until the intermission. Boo. 
• Finding an internship for next semester. None of the places where I really wanted to work have responded to my query letters.
• Josh bought me a whole crate of clementines because he knows I love them, and by today they were completely devoured by mold!
• He also bought me two Christmas presents today and literally could not keep them a secret. He told me within hours of buying them, hahaha!
• The Thurston's childhood kitty cat is very sick. Prayer's appreciated! Mom is really upset.

Awesome:

• New look! Or should I say, old look back again! This was my hair circa 12th grade. Mid-length, dark brown, and bouncy. Josh is a big fan.
• Having hubby back! I came in to work today, and Stryker said, "Is Josh home? I thought so. You look super extra happy today." Well, I am!
• My honey made a lot of big sales while he was gone. Save up that moolah!
• A ragtime version of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" written for an orchestra and a xylophone soloist. That happened at the Christmas concert!
• Josh's parents are having their bathroom remodeled by a guy from Birmingham. The one in England.
• Making super-cool personalized Christmas presents for the family. It's a secret! But I'll tell later ;-)
• Off to spend Christmas with my side of the family in PA by enjoying a matinee of Les Miserables on Christmas Day.

Making the Most of December

This isn't really a to-do list, because almost none of these things are necessary for any reason. They're just a bunch of things that I think will help Josh and I make the most of this Christmas season. It's sort of like a Christmas bucket list . . . but not really because many of the items reappear on the list every year despite the fact that they've been "crossed off" every year prior.

Okay, I don't know what it is . . . but it will be fun!



There are enough items both traditional and unique for you to choose one everyday, if you want. Whatever you do, be sure to make the most of your December.

1. Go ice skating.
2. Make eggnog or mulled cider.
3. Buy children’s gifts for Operation Angel Tree.
4. Drive around and look at Christmas lights.
5. Splurge on a professional performance of the Great Russian Nutcracker ballet.
6. Cuddle up in front of a fireplace.
7. If you haven’t yet, decorate a tree. If you already have, decorate someone else’s
8. Watch the movie White Christmas with a cup of white hot chocolate.
9. Chop wood for a family that relies on a wood stove.
10. Tired of Christmas music? Try traditional Celtic music.
11. Go caroling with friends.
12. Make chili for chilly carolers to come home to.
13. See how many film versions of A Christmas Carol you can watch in a day ;-)
14. String popcorn and cranberries.
15. Go to Wegmans and Sam’s Club on a weekend for holiday samples.
16. Learn to knit or crochet.
17. Send Christmas cards or letters updating family and friends on your year.
18. Get invited to a Christmas party. This could be tricky . . .
19. Make a snowman, snow angels, etc.
20. Go to midnight showings of The Hobbit (December 14) and Les Miserables (Christmas Day).
21. Go to a candlelit service.
22. Kiss someone under the mistletoe. Warn them first.
23. Shop a holiday craft bizarre.
24. Help young relatives make a wreath or ornament.
25. Help your family with Christmas dinner.
26. Take a super late walk in the snow on Christmas Eve and see if anything magical happens.
27. Make homemade soaps with personalized scents for gifts.
28. Read A Child’s Christmas in Wales.
29. Declare a snowball war.
30. Watch at least one terrible Christmas movie. Try Kiss Saves Christmas.
31. Go for a sleigh ride

Back from the Abyss

I know what you're thinking. How dare I come back after such a long absence and post another Awkward & Awesome and think that everything will just go back to normal? I understand your hurt. Unlike more successful blogistas such as Sydney over at the renowned Daybook, I did not have the courtesy to let you know that I would be taking a break from blogging for half of forever.

Well, that's because I never meant to. I had no intention of staying away from Nine to Phive for so long, or at all . . . Every night when I came home from work after being in classes all day, looked at the clock and thanked God that Josh and I were used to eating dinner on a European schedule, looked into the fridge and asked for our "loaves and fishes" to be multiplied, and looked at my lonely laptop with the broken keyboard, I said to myself "When was the last time you posted? Don't you have time to whip something up tonight?"

The answer was never "yes."

All that to say, I got kind of tired of being a victim to my crazy schedule, and I made up my mind (just today, actually) to take back my life and my blog.

So here I am! Hope that all is forgiven and that we can look forward to a lot more posts together in the future. Since we last spoke, and I mean before I started babbling about Yom Kippur and TobyMac and Spanish art museums and actually talked about what was going on in my life, I have been up to quite a lot.

• I have begun my final year of college. If (and it's a big 'if') I get into a course offered at a sister campus next semester, I should graduate right on time! Can't believe it's happening already.
• I have started two new jobs as a writing lab tutor and ESL (English as a Foreign Language) teacher. Love both of them! I feel more like a therapist than a tutor at times, but that's what makes it interesting.
• Josh and I have been really focused on keeping our marriage strong. Like saying 'no' to work and school commitments to spend more time together and all that mushy gushy stuff <3
• I have enrolled in a digital video production class. Changing. My. Life. I don't know why I didn't take this course ages ago. I was meant to do this, and I'm loving every minute. I love the professor. I love my camera. I love HD. I love have card-swipe access to the Mac lab. I love everything except the stupid program we have ot edit in . . .
• I have been in the process of directing a student-written theatrical performance set to debut in November. Muse Creative Arts Ministry is a campus organization (of which I am now the president) that groups creatively-inclined students together on projects to impact the campus and community. Our pioneer performance, "The Chains," is an exploration of the many ways that slavery and bondage manifest themselves in the human experience. It is going to be absolutely beautiful, but it is a lot of work.
• I have written a feature-length screenplay that will get produced in the summer of 2014. Did you read that correctly? I am going to be a produced screenwriter and director. I am so utterly excited, I can't even think of anything else to say on this topic . . .
• I'm looking for an internship. As if I don't have enough to do.

So there's a run-down of the stuff you can expect to hear about on Nine to Phive from now on, because every single one of these things is trying to dominate my attention. Stick around for the ride, and you might see something cool!

Awkward and Awesome Thursday: School Days

Awkward:

• Registering for my Spring semester classes of my senior year. Where on earth has the time gone?
• Performing "Some Nights" in ASL at Homecoming. (picture above)
• Being an instant away from sending an "I love you :-*" text meant for hubby to Stryker.
• Presidential debates. Enough said.
• I was so excited to take my required Persuasion course at RIT and, you know, graduate on time. They told me in July that it was too early to register and to come back the first day of classes. They told me the first day of classes that the class was full and I couldn't get in. Fail.
• My dear friends from Messiah Theatre had their senior showcases recently, and I couldn't get out of work commitments. Saddest of days :-
• A garbage bag left in the trunk of our hot car. Blech.
• Working on my abstractions project for Video class. Turns out I'm not an abstract enough thinker. Well, there's a problem I've never had before . . .
• Avocado pits. Slippery balls of evil standing between me and my healthy-fats-filled goodness.

Awesome:

• Fall is here :-)
• Going for a drive with all of the windows down to air out the garbage stench.
• Having my family right around the corner. Well, 15 minutes away. Close enough.
• Free Dinosaur Barbecue. Our class council is awesome.
• Muse Creative Arts Ministry is busy as can be preparing for our fall performance, "The Chains." Rehearsals just started last night!
• Volunteering as a photographer for campus-related and personal events and getting "paid" with concert tickets and free wine tours.
• Kristen's boyfriend (and Josh's buddy) Neme moved to the US last month! It's been so great having him here.
• Progressive dinner at professor's homes. I love these faculty couples :-)
• Josh and I got an incredible deal on our class's senior cruise . . . and we decided to go! Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas to us! What a fun and relaxing and not-at-all-like-our-experience-in-Europe this will be.

Awkward & Awesome Thursday: Everybody's Lives A-Changin'

Just two best friends playing together

This was such an exciting week! Parents moving, friends getting engaged and married right and left, Josh being so close to moving back in with his dear wifey--it's too much!

Awkward:

• The sheer amount of Adventure Time stuffed animals present at tonight's get-together. Every size imaginable.
• We have something like three miles of trails through the woods behind campus. How did I miss this for two years?
• Being asked for my name and responding, "Thurston _Jessica." It's my login at work . . .
• Going to the liquor store late at night to buy some of our favorite coconut rum to finally celebrate our 2nd anniversary, and realizing not only that the stores all close at nine, but that I'm under 21 and can't legally drink in this country . . . That was my blonde moment of the year.
• When I typed that sentence, I wrote that the liquor stores all close at "wine" by mistake. LOL.
• Can I just say that you're almost never invited to the weddings you expect. I feel like I'm always thinking, "Oh these friends of mine didn't invite me to their wedding?" "Wait, who are these people inviting me to their wedding?"
• Working on my screenplay for next summer's film. So much stress, but so much fun! I don't know whether to love it or hate it!

Awesome:

• My family is officially moved in to their new Rochester abode! It's so surreal to have them here :-)
• Co-workers Brandon and Stryker dropping everything to come and help move my parents into their new home. Somebody has an automatic invite to dinner any time they like!
• Stryker's townhouse apartment. I mean, I'm really not surprised, but seriously. Couldn't just one thing about him not be totally and completely awesome and chill? Must post pictures of this guys decor at some point.
• Just Dance 3 at midnight.
• Surfing Google to help Josh research for the CLEP essay exam he's going to be taking soon on analyzing and interpreting literature. I wanted to help him bone up on both classic lit and some popular contemporary novels. I don't think referencing 50 Shades of Grey in an academic paper is going to help his grade any . . .
• Two dear friends just got engaged yesterday with my help <3. The guy (that's him with the beard in the pic above) planned an elaborate treasure hunt to the places where all of their most memorable moments occurred on campus, and Josh and I were one of the clues she had to find. So cute!

Happy Anniversary to My Long-Distance Love

I'm not sure if you guys have picked it up from the past few Awkward & Awesomes (I know I missed one!), but Josh and I are actually not living together this summer. Most people who hear this and don't know us very well seem to automatically assume that this means we are separated, probably waiting on a divorce.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

My husband loves me so much that he is working around 60 hours a week (often twelve hours at a time overnight shifts) to provide for me and our future family. A job opportunity opened up in our former hometown back in Pennsylvania that paid more than double what Josh was making here in Rochester. To recuperate the savings we spent while in Europe, we agreed it would be worth the time apart to make that much-needed cash.

Well, after three months of only seeing each other on weekends (sometimes!), we're not so sure it was worth it anymore. But the end is finally in sight! August 19th is Josh's last day, and hopefully some time shortly after that we'll be able to celebrate our anniversary properly--

You know, together.

"In the Garden" (Sonnenberg)

For those who are keeping track, today (August 7th, 2012) is Josh's and my second anniversary!

Of course, when I decided to visit Josh down here at his workplace in Pennsylvania, I selflessly opted to leave my laptop at home to limit any distractions. I'm now left with no way to get the pictures of us from my camera to the blog! Josh, however, assured me that he wouldn't be terribly hurt if Travel Tuesday went off as planned and I posted about our blissful two years tomorrow :-)

 

Today I'll be posting about a little adventure I took with my family not thousands of miles across the Atlantic Ocean, but right in my home state of New York. Expect a whole post about living like a tourist in your homeland soon!

These pictures were taken in the lovely Sonnenberg Gardens in Canandaigua, NY--barely an hour from our Rochester apartment.

Title is from the hymn of the same name by Charles Austin Miles.

The first garden we happened upon in Sonnenberg was styled after a traditional Japanese garden. The oriental accents seemed very accurate and transported me on what felt like my first trip to Asia. There was a pond full of water lilies and koi, stone pagodas, and even a bridge leading to a Japanese "temple."

A koi, of course

And a pagoda. What else? :-)

The Buddha himself

The other beautiful garden at Sonnenberg was a traditional Italian garden with ivory columns, tile roofs, Renaissance sculptures, and countless other Roman accents.



More pics of the Italian Garden after the jump!

Awkward and Awesome Thursday: Are Women Human?

Awkward:

• The above work of literature Stryker happened upon while vacuuming. I didn't realize we weren't sure . . .
• Me. I'm an emotional wreck without my husband around. I literally feel like I don't know what to do with my life when he's gone for long periods of time. This is so not like me. It's like a hormonal alien she-beast.
• Cable being down the week of the Olympics. US women's gymnastics took home gold for the first time since 1996 and I had to find out via Yahoo! news.
• The sad state of my bed right now. It is not only unmade, but also piled high with seven pillows in and effort for me to feel less lonely in a queen-size on my own.
• I just ate a bowl of cereal at my desk at work. With cereal brought from home. Slightly awesome, I suppose.
• Poor Rachel's going through a tough time. It'll be so much easier when Mom and Dad finally move up and she has her own room!
• My tragically hit-or-miss internet connection at the apartment. I'm so technologically challenged right now! This is why posting has been getting more and more sparse as this week goes on.

Awesome:

• Criminal Minds and Flashpoint. If I'm going to be limited to four channels, I'm infinitely grateful that Ion Television is among them! 
• My Josh. He listened to me complain about my depression for only a couple minutes before ordering me to just get over it and go out for coffee with Rach. The guy knows just what I need.Miss him heaps :-(
• Three high-fashion shoots coming up this month--one with a 1950's beach vibe! Oh, the glamor.
• Perfectly fitting skinny jeans for just $12! Why hello, Plato's Closet.
• Yoga X. I made it through all 1.5 hours of vinyasas and balance postures without fast-forwarding once, and I feel awesome!
• Post-workout protein drink. Stuff's practically a milkshake.
• Late-night walks and heart-to-hearts with the sissy. Never get tired of it <3
• Reading about the Starrs' adventures in Australia.
• Iced green tea. Everybody should have a pitcher of this superfood in the house at all times.
• My God is always there.

Photo Shoot: Awoken Beauty Part 2

Wow, does anybody even remember Awoken Beauty Part 1? Well, I assure you it was good. 'Cause I'm not biased or anything.

After weeks of negligence on my part, here is the second half of the photos that resulted from this fairy-tale-inspired shoot with Rachel. For some context on what the idea behind this interesting "bed in the woods" theme we have going on. You can always check out the first post.

I hope these feel even just a little bit magical to you :-)

More ethereal photos after the jump!

Awkward and Awesome Thursday: Cray-cray Vacay

Speaking of crazy . . . this is my youngest cousin, an aspiring super villain

Sorry, folks! 

The reason posting has been sparse lately is that Josh and I have been scrambling to get moved into our new apartment (I'm finally settled in. He hasn't even seen the finished product.) and in the middle of it all, my cousins from Georgia are up for the week. The last thing I want is to be wasting time at my apartment--or on my blog for that matter.

Later.

Awkward:

• Moving into the apartment on a Saturday and not getting any power until Monday. It felt like camping! I almost had to go without coffee in the morning. Roughin' it.
• Even after the power got switched on, I couldn't get the AC to work ON THE HOTTEST RECORD-BREAKING NIGHT OF THE YEAR!
• My "little" cousins are now taller than me. And giving me workout tips.
• Speaking of working out, carrying Josh's and my impressive but heavy book collection into the building one load at a time. Why did I choose to move during family vacation again? I sure haven't gotten a break!
• Bathing suits. Head-to-toe lycra would be better than all of the slippage when wet.
• Jumped into the lake with my lovely watch gifted by the hubby. Still works, but it's very ironic considering that the lovely bracelet he bought me last year met an end in the same lake.
• Josh and I can't for the life of us remember what time our friend's wedding is this Saturday.

Awesome:

• Off to Darien Lake with the whole fam today. Minus Josh :-(. That bit's not awesome.
• My grandparents celebrating 50 years of marriage with all of their kids and grandkids around :-D
• Josh drove all the way up to Canandaigua just for the afternoon to attend my grandparents' anniversary dinner. He is the sweetest! 
• Legit buying one of every dessert for our table and then decimating them together.
• My cousins are all so grown up. It's so good to hang out with them. 
• Josh might be going to grad school at University of Georgia, a mere twenty minutes from this awesome crew of kids!
• I think the car is finally fixed!!!!!
• Free lunch at school. That is the way to a married college student's heart.
• Rachel has a sunglasses tan. Baha.
• Hopefully hitting up The Dark Knight Rises with the hubby this weekend. After the wedding, of course.

Independence Lake

The houseboat roof was so small I couldn't get my shadow out of the pic!

I know it's a cheesy-as-can-be title, but it never ceases to amaze me how being confined to a slightly claustrophobic floating cereal box in the middle of a body of water can make you feel more free than you've ever been. I just love the Finger Lakes and the time our family has spent on them over the years. I can think of nowhere better to celebrate Independence Day.

The only thing that could have made it better would have been if Josh had come with us :-(

 

 

Some photos of mind-blowing aquatic acrobatics after the jump!!!