How I Feel Sometimes, But It Could Be the Drugs :-/

 

A contributing factor to my feeling poorly yesterday and today is the fact that I am now on an antidepressant to help me cope with my bladder flare-ups. Turns out antidepressants are often used for nerve pain. Of course, nontraditional use doesn't mean you're free from all of the traditional symptoms. They still often make you feel worse before you ever feel better.

So here I am.

I feel like absolute crap physically, mentally, and emotionally. I feel cold, dreary, sick, and drowsy, and I fel like all of the things in the above graphic.

Not deep.

Not intellectual.

Not artistic.

Not a critic.

Not a poet.

Just a girl with a blog that a couple people read.

I swear that I'm not fishing for compliments, but I have been feeling pretty worthless for the past few weeks. It seems to me that every talent I once thought I had . . . everything I ever wanted to do with my life . . . well, honestly I feel like just about anybody could do it better than me. 

Not that I have to be the best at everything. It just hurts that people who aren't even trying, who don't even care about the things I'm so passionate about, are experiencing more success than I am. 

I sometimes I feel like anyone could do what I do . . .

You better believe I've been noticing examples. I've considered myself a writer for my whole life, and Josh hands in the only paper required for his LIT 101 class and gets a comment from one of my favorite professors saying that his prose is "almost flawless." I've never gotten a comment like that, and writing means the world to me. Rachel has never expressed a desire to model and she hated every minute of her most recent job, yet she landed a job modeling for a painting class when I couldn't even get an email back from the professor. Not only this, but Rachel has speech class with another one of my favorite professors who has raved about her as though she is the greatest public speaker he's ever had the privilege of teaching. Me? I've done oodles of public speaking and never gotten any overwhelmingly positive feedback.

Yes, there's some jealousy here.

Over Thanksgiving break, my Dad was quoting a book to me. I can't remember what the title was, but it was talking about leadership in the 21st century. One of the author's points was that in this day and age, everyone has the capacity to be an artist. Everyone has access to the resources that can make one a filmmaker, musician, graphic designer, etc.

The reality of this truth hit me hard. If everyone is and artist, how does one stand out? How does one make a living creating art when it is available everywhere? Suddenly all of my dreams seemed to reflect the future of some new innovative thinker of the 1890's and not of a girl with her head in the clouds in the information age. I felt doomed.

Today, though, under the influence of drugs that are no doubt monkeying with my thought processes, I am somewhat resigned to my fate. After all, this is what I've been arguing for years! Everyone is creative. Everyone is born with an innate need to create. That's the purpose of Nine to Phive. How can you turn moments in your everyday life and "job" into opportunities for creation? How can you do it for you and for the glory of God?

Not for the purpose of standing out. Not for the purpose of making a living, but just for the purpose of living.

I create to bring beauty from disaster.

I create to cope.

I create to share.

I create to express my love and gratitude. 

I create to tell me story.

I create to reflect the image of my Father.

I create because I was created to create.

I create for me. And I create for Him.

Oh, look, the sun just came out . . . No seriously, I'm not making this up just because it would be a good ending to an angsty post. . . Hello, Sun!